Our fair haired hero is fighting Stage 4, High risk, Hepatoblastoma www.facebook.com/friendsoffinlay

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Has the world gone mad?...

So I know that in the light of what I'm living through at the moment my thought patterns, emotions and the things that have become important to me have all drastically changed. This is to be expected of course, considering, but this change happened so swift and silent I was unaware for a time that it had even occurred. It is such a surreal experience to have such a drastic shift so quickly. To experience the shock that your child is desperately unwell and will need to fight for their life is something you cannot be prepared for. For a time it honestly felt like the whole world had gone mad! Nothing made sense, things I used to enjoy I no longer did, what I used to ignore has become blindingly obvious. Things I'd dismiss are now vitally important. Where I was once like you, I'm forever changed. I'm left feeling like I must be living in a parallel universe to the rest of you (only finding sanity and peace in the few others who get it because they're living it or have lived it also).
 I often find the conversations of others confusing and pointless. I can't help it, I want to participate but I find I either just don't get the point or I'm too exhausted to care. I hate to think that I've become so wrapped up in my own situation I have nothing left to contribute to others and little empathy for things others care so greatly about. It's not that I don't care but this is true survival mode I am in and it's absolutly what is neccessary at the moment. 

My world has become so unfamiliar to me. I am only existing in the bubble that is hospital, chemo, blood counts and keeping my family as connected as possible. It's a side affect of mothering a child fighting a deadly illness. Watching him go through procedure after procedure. Having to hold down his body  that is fighting with all of his strength to escape his frightening situation. All the while his eyes are locked intently on mine looking completely betrayed. I can hear his pleading words in his eyes, "Mummy why are you letting them do this to do me? Why are you no longer protecting me?"  It is as heartbreaking as it sounds and it is wrong, so unfair and so wrong. When you think about this then it's easy to believe the world is mad! A crazy harsh place that shows no mercy. Where beautiful, healthy and endlessly loved children get such dastardly illnesses.
I know that this is a common feeling amongst other parents in this shitty messed up situation. I know that my world will now, forever more rotate slightly off it's axis and this is ok, it is the way it is now. I will never experience the world as I did just a few short months ago but that does not mean it won't be just as beautiful and good. Just mad and different...


  1. Oh Katey, It's just so unfair. It seems so impossible that gorgeous, healthy little children can be struck down with horrible diseases.. it is no wonder that to you the world has gone mad. You don't need to feel bad in any way about not having the same understanding, caring or empathy you once had for others as you are in true survival mode right now and it's enough to try and comprehend the crazy world you are currently living without having to think and deal with the rest of the worlds problems too. You are doing an amazing job. Thinking about you guys always. xo

  2. Hi lovely Katey. I know I can't begin to imagine what you're going through right now, but my super seven year old has Leukaemia, so I've got a little insight into how you're feeling. At the start of this year, I went to a 'first day back at school' morning tea with all the other school mums after we'd dropped the kids off. I was sitting with people I didn't know particularly well and, on one side, a mum was talking about their recent ski trip to Aspen, and on the other, a mum was discussing their 'really hard year' after their child had some minor health issues and a few weeks off school. I just felt like crawling into a corner. I made my excuses, went to find my husband at work and promptly burst into a flood of tears. I'm sure for the mum I met, it WAS a really hard year for her, but that doesn't make our cancer journey any easier and I think it's understandable not to feel a great deal of empathy right now. Having a child with cancer certainly puts life into perspective. Anyway, I just wanted to say hi and send you as much strength and love and light as I can muster, and tell you I'm thinking of you xx